Reah’s Crib |

This is supposed to be a long essay about how I ended up writing online but when I was starting to write the first paragraphs, I realized the story wouldn’t be appropriate to publish in this blog. So I am just going to summarize what I wanted to say.

This has been bothering me for some time now–that I have chosen the wrong field of study to work in. The results of my career test before I went to college was saying that I should take a business related course. In fact, I wasn’t an excellent student in English when I graduated from high school, and my grades in Trigonometry, Physics, Algebra, and other math related subjects were higher compared to my English subject. In fact, the one who got my card when I was admitted to college (for Mass Communications major in journalism course) was surprised to see my grades in these subjects and asked me if I was really sure that I would be taking Journalism. And I said yes.

Well, I just took the course to improve my English and writing skills, and be able to gain confidence against someone I really hated that time. (My ex-boyfriend who was also taking Journalism but in a different school). Now that my angst is over, and I already graduated from college, and now an online writer, I realized that I am still not confident that I will become successful in this field.

But somehow, I think it is just because that I am writing freelance that my insecurity increases everyday.

The other day, I have read this book about freelance writing, written by a Filipina, She mentioned there that deciding to write freelance, without any full time job after graduating from college is such a big commitment. And one will surely lose confidence. And I think I am experiencing the consequences right now.

There are still other factors though how I ended up writing in such a blog like this, but I would rather keep it to myself. What I want now is to recover the skills that I have lost just because I am a frustrated writer.

I am missing math in my life.

A year after graduation, I realize that in able for me to excel in my chosen career, my writing skill is not enough. What will I write if I don’t much of the things that interests me like, computer, softwares, internet, and writing online? I am only capable of writing and do understand English, but I feel that my writing don’t have essence at all. I want to know more, I want to understand, I want to analyze, I want to criticize, I want to commend, I want to compare, but when I try to do these things, the results are vague, a beginner’s point of view. How can that help my readers? Did they learn something from me? I want to go back to school and learn a lot of things again! Books would not help me though, I want the training, the challenges, the environment, and the routines that school provides.

I hate my schools for not teaching me well on Microsoft Excel, and Microsoft Access. (Reah… they don’t think a Journalism student would need them anyway.) Okay fine I wouldn’t need them because today I am supposed to be in the field looking for news to write. But I am not. I am here trying to make a career online, and there are some articles I want to publish but it takes time for the facts to be organized manually. Oh well, I guess I have to deal this on my own. I have learned Adobe Pagemaker on my own anyways.

Update:

LMAO

While taking a nap I just had thought of the solution to my problem which I had been figuring for hours. So when I turned my computer on again, I tried what I just thought earlier,. At first, I was still confused, but alas Google search saved me, and my problem was solved. Crazy. haha

I read an interesting post from someone that says, if you are not where you want to be in life right now, It’s All Your Fault. I want to comment there though, but I know my comment would be long, because I wanted to share my thoughts about this idea. So, I will just post it here.

I know it’s my fault.

Yesterday, I met a new friend, and as we were talking I shared to her that I like assessing someone’s personality, and even my personality. Though I wasn’t actively assessing other people and myself until I got to college.

That time, I was remembering the factors that had affected my personality, and also identified my responses on the factors that were there around me, at work, at school, at home, and with my friends. I reminisced how I got successful, how I got those achievements. And I would say, I was doing good, because I liked assessing my skills, why I was weak, why I didn’t get the grade I want, why didn’t I have enough friends, why I was not good in English, why I was afraid to recite but loved to speak in public….some questions like that I tried to answer myself. And by doing that I know it’s my fault if I would not change. So, what I did was I worked on improving the skills where I was weak, and worked out more on the things I knew I was really good at. And doing this I knew I would be successful.

I liked sharing this kind of thinking to my classmates. Some of them were not good in school, because they believed they didn’t have that capability to be successful, they believed they were not smart, they believed that they didn’t have skills so they were contented with their low grades. But I felt they wanted more, they just didn’t want to change. They just didn’t want to blame their selves but their parents, their friends, their old schools, their status in life, etc. They didn’t want to admit it’s their fault.

I pity them though because I found their potentials to succeed. I saw the skills that could be their strength. But I couldn’t change for them, all I could do was tell them words of encouragement and suggest ways to improve their current situation or even build their future. But those words would be meaningless if they would not want to undergo the difficult process of changing their attitude towards success.

My life right now, is not the successful life I really wanted. But this was the product of my choices before. I was not regretting about the choices I made before though, because I learned a lot from them. Choices like becoming less active in school activities while in college but worked part time and be involved in just one organization. I knew I was capable of doing more, but I made choices. That was my fault.

As I said, my life today is still not the successful life I wanted but I know I can achieve it if I will just choose to work on it, now.

Just like everyone else, I loved a guy so dearly. I believed he was the only, the right guy, the perfect guy, I wanted to marry. I loved anything about him, even he laughed crazily, even he had pimples, even he gained weight. I could say my world revolved around him, and I dared to say that the feeling was love. That was five years ago, and I will now describe the feeling I had that time an obsession.

Sometimes we just got used to the feeling of loving someone. As if, if we stop loving them our life would not be better. Even though we broke up, I still held on to the promise that we would still get married someday. So even though it was painful, I like to reminisce the days we were together. I acted like this because I didn’t want to stop loving him, I believed we were meant to be together.

However, holding this kind of thought, made me less able to love another man. I liked his new company, I cared for him, but I wasn’t able to give him the love he deserved, because I was holding on to my old love. I couldn’t love him as much as I loved the other guy.

I was sharing these to you because I just got an SMS about finding the right one:

It is not certain whether the one you have now is the one you will be with for the rest of your life…There’s even no guarantee if the one you just met is the one who will love you forever… Coz’ there’s no such things as the ideal man or woman, no such thing as the right person, or the right one. It is us who can make love to last a lifetime. So if somebody asks you, is s/he the right one? You can answer, “I’m not sure, but I intend to make him/her my only one.”

For two years, even though we already broke up, and he didn’t love me anymore, I still held to that thought that he is the right person, my only one. I intended him to be my only one, that I never entertained feelings for other guys. I let myself get hurt, because I held to that belief that he would love me again. However, while in the process of holding this strong feelings, I had ignored other’s love for me. And in fact, I wasn’t capable of loving.

But one day though, I just decided to stop thinking about him. I really did not entertain another thought about him and me. That’s enough Reah. It’s over. Accept it. The first days, was harsh. But weeks after that, I noticed I forgot details about him and me. And more weeks… I tried recalling some sweet moments we had, and I just remembered I was happy, and I like to had that feeling again, but not with him finally. This time, I was hoping I would have those sweet moments again, but with a new guy.

Loving someone is a choice, because you let yourself fall in love with that person. You think you like him. You ask his number. You befriend him. You let yourself know more about him. You let yourself get closer. And finally you fall in love. So if you want to forget your love, you just have to make a decision. Say No. Say Stop. Don’t you dare entertain those thoughts again. And over time, you will realize that you don’t love them as much as you love them before. You may care for them still, but your world doesn’t revolve around them anymore. This time, let yourself fall in love again with someone new.